in the green room... with the angel and the devil

Here. Today. Quiet. Still. Still here, in the green room. Welcome. 

I haven't left the house today. I made french toast and coffee, got back in bed and listened to myself think for hours, which ain't always such a pretty thing to do. It's a war zone in here. There are definitely two sides of me fighting to take over. A true Gemini I am. An angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. One believes in me and is always encouraging and loving and creative and has so many dreams and visions for us. Violins and a choir. The other sees the end, nothing, crap, you lose, game over, time is up, what a joke, a fool we were to ever believe we can have a life we truly want. Ghoulish laughter now. 

I heard a story once, a Cherokee Indian legend- An old Cherokee told his grandson, "A fight is going on inside me, a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil, he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, lies, false pride, and ego. The other is good-joy, love, peace, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, truth, compassion and faith. The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too. The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" 

The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."

It's a battle everyday to listen to that angel, to feed the good wolf, listen to that positive voice. Some days she wins and the little devil girl, the evil wolf cowers in the corner cus she got slapped with sunshine. But truth is, she is always there, in the corner, waiting to bite, waiting for her moment to rain on my parade. 

Today, its pouring in here. Down pour. Cats and dogs and frogs. All the shit I never did winds, mad regret puddles, lost opportunity thunder, broken heart clouds, foolish dreams lightning and wasted time twisters, twisting me in knots. 

BUUUUUUT, I am writing now, calling on my angel to get me out of this hurricane.  Get me out now, please. I am writing also to you, if there is a you, to write to. You, whoever reads and connects and understands this struggle that I am in. For us to rally together against our little devil selves that want to hurt us and stop us from being happy. Join in solidarity or whatever, something, anything to get out of the storm. Create an army of laughter and music, paint smiles over frowns.  I am shouting out today to feed the good wolf a delicious meal. Because there is a world out there, people who are fighting real wars and all this stupid mess of an inner dialogue, seems so completely retarded at this point. When bombs are flying over your head, or a bullet just hit your brother, I doubt you are thinking or asking, "Do I really love myself? Do I believe in myself?" You're thinking, love, yea sure, I want to live, I want to save myself, I want to save my brother, can't talk now or think, let's just get the hell out of here! 

Hmm, that saying, just hit me in a different way. Get the hell out of here. Well, yea I know that I'm not running for my life, maybe running from myself sometimes, but I too, want to get the "hell" out of here. The hell out of my mind, the hell out of me. 

My radical, revolutionary friends always tell me that these personal struggles we have, are almost a privilege and that if we just focused on actually helping the world more, and not just ourselves, they would fade away. Because we would really be on the front lines for something real, for humanity, for freedom, for justice. I mean, I know that when I give to others, yes, this self-importance does seem to disappear, I connect to the bigger picture of life. That we are here, for each other. We are here to unite. We are not here, even to fall in love, be famous, make lots of money, have a grand ol' time. But here to become one again. Yes. Yes. Can I get an amen? Or an om shanti or a buck shot in the air! Bong! 

I had a dream once when I was in Paris, where God appeared as a translucent Superman floating through the air. He told me, "You're not just here to have a good time." And I believe that. We got work to do. Celebrate, be joyous, but we have a responsibility too.

Now I don't completely agree with my radical, revolutionary friends. I believe we need to do both. Work on ourselves, work on the world. Outside, inside, same thing. Maybe when we focus on the world, we are healing ourselves and healing ourselves helps the world.

This is why I make music. I am expressing my personal pain to connect to everyone else's pain. This is why I am writing this today, because I needed to get the hell out of here and not be alone in this. Because this green room, this mind, this self of mine, this war that I am in, is the world too. We are the world. 

Everybody hold hands and sing along now. "We are the wooooooooooorld, we are the futuuuuuuuuuuure. We are the ones to make a brighter day so lets start giving."

Peace.