Saturday, February 7, 2009

in the green room... with the angel and the devil

Here. Today. Quiet. Still. Still here, in the green room. Welcome. 
I haven't left the house today. I made french toast and coffee, got back in bed and listened to myself think for hours, which ain't always such a pretty thing to do. It's a war zone in here. There are definitely two sides of me fighting to take over. A true Gemini I am. An angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. One believes in me and is always encouraging and loving and creative and has so many dreams and visions for us. Violins and a choir. The other sees the end, nothing, crap, you lose, game over, time is up, what a joke, a fool we were to ever believe we can have a life we truly want. Ghoulish laughter now. 

I heard a story once, a Cherokee Indian legend- An old Cherokee told his grandson, "A fight is going on inside me, a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil, he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, lies, false pride, and ego. The other is good-joy, love, peace, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, truth, compassion and faith. The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too. The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" 
The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."

It's a battle everyday to listen to that angel, to feed the good wolf, listen to that positive voice. Some days she wins and the little devil girl, the evil wolf cowers in the corner cus she got slapped with sunshine. But truth is, she is always there, in the corner, waiting to bite, waiting for her moment to rain on my parade. 
Today, its pouring in here. Down pour. Cats and dogs and frogs. All the shit I never did winds, mad regret puddles, lost opportunity thunder, broken heart clouds, foolish dreams lightning and wasted time twisters, twisting me in knots. 

BUUUUUUT, I am writing now, calling on my angel to get me out of this hurricane.  Get me out now, please. I am writing also to you, if there is a you, to write to. You, whoever reads and connects and understands this struggle that I am in. For us to rally together against our little devil selves that want to hurt us and stop us from being happy. Join in solidarity or whatever, something, anything to get out of the storm. Create an army of laughter and music, paint smiles over frowns.  I am shouting out today to feed the good wolf a delicious meal. Because there is a world out there, people who are fighting real wars and all this stupid mess of an inner dialogue, seems so completely retarded at this point. When bombs are flying over your head, or a bullet just hit your brother, I doubt you are thinking or asking, "Do I really love myself? Do I believe in myself?" You're thinking, love, yea sure, I want to live, I want to save myself, I want to save my brother, can't talk now or think, let's just get the hell out of here! 

Hmm, that saying, just hit me in a different way. Get the hell out of here. Well, yea I know that I'm not running for my life, maybe running from myself sometimes, but I too, want to get the "hell" out of here. The hell out of my mind, the hell out of me. 

My radical, revolutionary friends always tell me that these personal struggles we have, are almost a privilege and that if we just focused on actually helping the world more, and not just ourselves, they would fade away. Because we would really be on the front lines for something real, for humanity, for freedom, for justice. I mean, I know that when I give to others, yes, this self-importance does seem to disappear, I connect to the bigger picture of life. That we are here, for each other. We are here to unite. We are not here, even to fall in love, be famous, make lots of money, have a grand ol' time. But here to become one again. Yes. Yes. Can I get an amen? Or an om shanti or a buck shot in the air! Bong! 
I had a dream once when I was in Paris, where God appeared as a translucent Superman floating through the air. He told me, "You're not just here to have a good time." And I believe that. We got work to do. Celebrate, be joyous, but we have a responsibility too.

Now I don't completely agree with my radical, revolutionary friends. I believe we need to do both. Work on ourselves, work on the world. Outside, inside, same thing. Maybe when we focus on the world, we are healing ourselves and healing ourselves helps the world.
This is why I make music. I am expressing my personal pain to connect to everyone else's pain. This is why I am writing this today, because I needed to get the hell out of here and not be alone in this. Because this green room, this mind, this self of mine, this war that I am in, is the world too. We are the world. 
Everybody hold hands and sing along now. "We are the wooooooooooorld, we are the futuuuuuuuuuuure. We are the ones to make a brighter day so lets start giving."

Peace.


5 comments:

  1. Hi Bridget, Love your new blog. The picture at the top is really cool. I often feel the same way that you do and struggle continually with the good and bad, the positive and negative, the angel and the devil...... being a true Pisces only makes it worse, I think.

    I saw you perform at the Bitter End several months ago and you were great. I write songs but haven't performed in a few years and want to get back to it. Problem is I have terrible stage fright and that prevents me from taking the leap. It keeps me chained to the chair in my green room. I long to sing out, to be heard, to be acknowledged, to share my music and my soul...... but the devil always seems to win, telling me I'm not good enough, I'm too old, I don't play guitar well enough..... you know the drill. Why do I do this to myself and how do I overcome this debilitating behavior?

    I look forward to reading more of your blog, seeing you perform again and hearing your music on your blog. Cheers, Liz

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  2. Liz..thank u so much for your thoughts. It is so important for us to talk to each other about this stuff. I too, still get stage fright, find myself taking a swig of whiskey to get rid of the devil voice. I know that is not the way, but sometimes, Jack he does come to the rescue. But their is something bigger we must call upon, whether it be God, or Buddha, or a Saint, or the truly higher version of ourselves. Maybe we should give them a name, we can shout at the top of our lungs or quietly under our breath, asking for their presence tonight. Hmm, maybe thats where the whole idea of Saints came from? Well I think you should just do it Liz, and I would love to be there when you do! If you want support, a friendly face in the audience, then I will come. Seriously, maybe you should go to an open mic with me one day. If you want help building confidence with your voice or guitar, I am a voice teacher on the side, and I struggle with my guitar playing as well, so we can commiserate. Something I keep trying to tell myself is, that when you play music, its for the inside of you and the outside of you, for the world. Maybe the stage fright is more about us and if we just tap into giving again, giving these songs away, for people to connect with, feel, heal, or just deal...hahah If we can think about others maybe this fear would disappear. Stay in touch. B

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  3. A long time ago I used the bottle to take away the stage fright but it got out of control and I haven't had a drink for almost 23 years. It's hard to believe you still get stage fright because you seem so confident on stage. I guess it's all a matter of perception. You look so cool on the outside and your insides are mush. I need to get to that spot and I guess the only way that's going to happen is to start playing in front of people again. It scares me to death!

    The thing I also need to do is find other musicians to hang out with, play with, bounce ideas off of..... I'm not quite ready to take that step yet but soon. I've been writing a lot lately and working on my playing. I need more practice time before I play in front of anyone. I'm getting there.

    Where do you teach voice? It would be so cool to play together sometime or listen to each others songs. Thanks for all your support. It means a lot to me.

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  4. universal
    ancient
    present

    heart achingly
    wrenchingly
    beautifully
    alive

    holding you and me and us...

    xoxo

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  5. Love it Bridge, beautifully written. :)

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